Everything I know about life, I learned from watching COPS


Bad boys bad boys
Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you
Bad boys, bad boys
Watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they come for you
(Inner Circle)
I don’t know why I love COPS so much. Maybe it’s because of the men in uniform. Maybe it’s because of the interesting situations. Or maybe it’s because no matter how badly things are going in my life, COPS serves to remind me that at any given moment somewhere in the United States, some guy is being dragged out of his trailer half naked, kicking and screaming about how the cops are harassing him and he “didn’t do nothin’.” It’s never a dull moment.
My experiences with law enforcement people have all been positive. I’ve been pulled over three times, but **knock wood** I haven’t gotten a ticket. And even though my stomach hurt quite a bit, I didn’t cry once. I think the most serious thing I was stopped for was driving while eating a foot long hoagie. Who knew steering with your elbows was a no-no?
Ok, the most serious thing I was stopped for was driving in the bus lane in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, but again,
no ticket, so let’s not go there. Ever again.
In all instances, I think the officers took one look at my blonde head and figured it wasn’t worth the
trouble of writing out a ticket.
With that in mind, this is what I’ve learned about life from watching COPS :
1. Never admit the truth. When you’re caught in a lie, keep on lying. If you pile lie upon lie, you’re bound to work your way out of it.
In one episode, the officer indicated that he wanted the car in front of him to pull over.
The driver ignored him and the officer continued to follow the man until he stopped in front of a house.
Suspect: “Officer, I live here.”
Officer: “Really? What’s the address here?”
Suspect: “Ya know that’s a good question, Officer.”
[Of course he knows, that’s why he asked it.]
Suspect continues: “We have a P.O. Box so we rarely use the address.”
Kindergarten kids know their address. He wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all the cop.

A police officer stops a car with a man in drag driving and one passenger. The driver is so obviously in drag,
it’s like “slap a curly brunette wig on your elderly grandpa” and you have some idea of what the driver looked like.
Police Officer to passenger: “Do you know this “woman”?”
Passenger: “Yeah. We’ve been friends for three or four months now.”
Police Officer: “Really? What’s her name?”
Passenger : “Ya know, I can’t remember her name. But we’re friends.”
Police Officer: “You do know this “woman” is a man, right?”
Stunned Passenger: “He is?!”


Cop: “Is that car stolen? There are no keys in the ignition.”
Driver: “They fell on the floor during the chase.”
Cop: “Explain this to me, if they fell on the floor, why is the car still running?”
Driver: “Obviously it’s stolen.”
Obviously. Once a cop mutters the immortal words “stolen car,” give it up, people. You’re not fooling anybody.

An officer stops a woman who is driving a car she is accused of stealing. He finds drugs in it.
Suspect: “Those drugs aren’t mine.”
Police: “They were in the car.”
Suspect: “The car’s not mine.”
Police: “You were driving it.”
Suspect: “I just got it back today.”
Police: “Got it back from whom? Are you telling me this car was stolen twice?
First from the owner and then from you? Do you honestly think I’m buying any of this?”
Suspect: “Probably not.”
Probably?!
Wouldn’t that be really crappy luck, though? You steal a car and then
before you have the chance to run it into the ground, it’s stolen from you? Karma. It’s all about karma.

The problem in all these instances is that the suspects did not start their lies with the “magic words”. The surest way to convince a cop that you’re telling the truth, is to start your lie with, “I swear to God, Officer, this is the truth.” Or “Honest to God, Officer, this is exactly how it happened.” And be sure to end all your lies with, “I have no reason to lie, Officer,” or “Why would I lie?” Faking up a really sincere expression when you lie helps, too.

If you’re a woman and you’re stopped by the police, cry. Officers rarely see a woman in tears.
I tend to feel sorry for the wives of police officers. Sometimes tears are our only line of defense, and if the husband is immune to them because he sees women in tears every day at work, well, where does that leave his wife? She’ll be forced to deal with her problems in an emotionally intelligent way, and no woman should have to do that.

2. Always blame others for your failures.
It saddens me to see how many hardened criminals have never outgrown that old high school excuse, “It’s not my drugs/stolen property/whatever, Officer. I’m holding them for a friend.” Surely, they can be more imaginative than that. Besides, if that excuse were true, what does that really say about YOU? It says that your friends have sense enough to recognize a gullible idiot when they see one, and you have zero creativity.

Cop: “What are you doing in this neighborhood?”
Arrestee: “I’m buying for a friend.”

The cops are called to a parking lot where one man accuses another of pointing a gun at him as he drove by.
Cop: “Do you have a gun in your car?”
Suspect: “It’s not my gun. It’s my wife’s gun.” (He proceeds to repeat this line about 20 times….)
Way to go! Sell out your wife! Might as well just slap the sheets on the couch now. You’ll be sleeping alone for a looong time.
Cop: “Any other weapons on you?”
Suspect: “No, just holding my friend’s gun for him.”
Cop: “Where did you get the gun?”
Suspect: “A friend of mine gave it to me.”
Cop: “What’s your friend’s name?”
Suspect: “My friend?”
*note the oh, so clever “answer a question with a question” stall tactic*?
Cop: “What’s your friend’s name?”
Suspect: “Ricky.”
*these sorts of “friends” never have last names*
Suspect: “He said some guy gave it to him.” *again, note the vagueness of it all* “He didn’t like being with it because he’s always running into problems with the law, so I said, ‘give it to me. I’ll put it away and you won’t have to deal with it’.”
Cop: “Is this drug paraphernalia yours too?”
Suspect: “No I’m holding it for a friend.”
Cop: “Oh the one with the gun? You’re holding that for him too?”
Caution: deep doo doo ahead.

Cop (pulling a small baggie from the suspect’s jeans): “Did you see this?” he says to the other arresting officer. “There’s a small residue of cocaine.”
Suspect: “Officer, that’s not mine.”
Cop: “Are these your pants?” [pointing to the pants the man is wearing.]
Suspect: “Yeah, but that’s not mine. I’ve never seen that before.”
Cop: “This came out of your pocket. I didn’t have it in my pocket. And it’s not yours? Somebody snuck it in this little change pocket when you weren’t looking?”
Suspect: “Sir, don’t try to bust me for something I didn’t do.”

Suspect [after officer pulls a bottle of pills from her bag]: “Those aren’t mine.”
Cop: “Come on. Your name is on the bottle.”
Suspect: “I know my pill bottle is in that [her purse] but it’s not mine. I am not going to deny to you that people ask me for my pill bottles when I’m done with them. I don’t ask them what they do with them. I should probably take my name off them.”
You should probably take your drugs out of them, too.

3. Aim low. You, too, can be an underachiever!
On an episode of COPS, an old lady called the police when a burglar stole “one five and two tens” from her cash register drawer. Too lazy to steal an even $100.
Burglary Rule of Thumb: Always steal enough money to make it worth the cop’s time to investigate.

Where the term “Lazy Boy" originated:
After breaking into a domestic violence suspect’s home when he refused to answer the door.
Cop: “Why didn’t you answer the door?”
Suspect: “Because I was laying down on the couch.”

Suspect: “My license is suspended.”
Cop: “Why are you driving?!”

A guy barricaded himself in his home. The cops were him on the phone trying to negotiate. The only problem was that he refused to pick up the phone. [Probably thought it was one of those pesky telemarketers.] Frustrated, the cops use the bullhorn to yell, “Answer your phone!”
They arrested one druggie and he had a What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker on his car. I’m guessing He wouldn’t be out buying crack.

4. Alcohol and drugs bring out the best in people
This brings me to one of my all time favorite eps. A drunk, trying to explain why he can’t perform the DUI tests properly, “I have a glass eye.”
Cop: “Which one is your glass eye?”
Drunk: “Both of ‘em.”
Cop: “They can’t both be glass eyes!”

The best example of this “life law” was an episode in which a chick was flying down the highway doing seventy. The cops pursued her for several miles and when they finally caught her, the officer said, “Why didn’t you pull over when you saw my flashing blue lights? You were going 70 mph.”
She replied, “I was going too fast to pull over.”
The police officer–the one with the stunned expression on his face–said, “You were going to fast to pull over?! Have you ever heard of a thing called a “brake”? You step on it and it stops the car.”
She then proceeded to try to kick out the rear windows of the police cruiser with her feet.

Cop: “What kind of problems do you have? Other than being drunk and stupid?”
I love that line.

Cops: “Why are you carrying a gun?”
Drunk Driver: “Because people don’t like me.”

Officer: “Excuse me, Ma’am. This is your marijuana. It came out of your purse. Two little baggies.”
Female Drug Suspect: “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. Y’all put that shit in my car.”

The undercover cops were selling drugs, and they arrested one man who said he’d been using marijuana for over 30 years. Cop: “You think maybe you need some help?”
Druggie: “Help with what?”
(Marijuana really does play havoc with the short term memory, doesn’t it?)
Then the cop helped the man into the back seat of the cruiser and noticed he was sweating profusely.
Cop: “I’ll see about getting you a glass of water.”
Druggie: “I’d rather smoke a joint.”
Clearly he’s learned that drugs are bad, m’kay?

A man has been arrested and handcuffed for drug possession and is sitting in the back of the police car.
Suspect: “Am I being arrested?”
Officer: “That’s what the handcuffs mean, Sir.”
Cop, to drunk driver: “Do you have any physical defects?”
Drunk driver: “Yes, I have five tattoos.”
Cop, to kid he suspected was drunk and underage: “How old are you?”
Kid: “About 25.”
Cop: ” ‘ABOUT‘ 25?”

Drunk chick, during field sobriety tests, “Officer, I don’t drink and I don’t drive,” made all the funnier considering she was falling down right next to her car.

One drunk chick explained that she kept falling down during her sobriety tests because her “shoes were very overweight.”

5. If you’re innocent and the cops stop you, run like hell, because cops love it when you make ‘em run.
Most often heard excuses for fleeing:
Police: “Why did you run?”
Suspect: “Cuz I didn’t do nothing.”

Police: “Why did you run?”
Suspect: “Cuz I was scared.”

And two of my all time favorites:
Police: “Why you running, man?”
Suspect: “No reason.”

Police: “Why did you run?”
Suspect: “Because you were chasing me.”

In one episode, a cop with a prosthetic leg chased down a suspect AND CAUGHT HIM.
If your athletic skills are so challenged that a man wearing a prosthetic leg can catch you, you have no
business running in the first place. Granted, the cop was working it! He didn’t let a prosthetic leg hold him back.
 
  
I almost shed tears when I saw the episode in which a really chubby black dude tried to run from the police.
Seriously, what was the dude thinking? I’ve seen skinny people who can’t outrun the police.
Not surprisingly, he only made it from the street to the back yard before they captured him.

6. When you’ve used up all your career choices, fear not. You’re never too old or too ugly to be a prostitute.

When I watch COPS, I’m always amazed by how many male Good Samaritans there are in the world, who are willing to give a female stranger a lift. The usual responses are : “Oh, he’s just giving me a ride, Officer.” Or “he’s a friend,” or a combination of the two. “He’s a friend. He’s just giving me a ride.”

The police nabbed a man soliciting an undercover officer.
John: “I didn’t do nothing!”
Cops: “Did you know that woman you were talking to was an undercover officer?”
John: “Her?! I asked her if she was a cop and she said ‘no’.”

Have you noticed that when COPS do prostitution stings, they always nab “first timers”?
The men know exactly where to find the girls and how to “make a date”, and yet they’ve never done it before. Amazing.
“No, I swear, Officer, this is the first time I’ve ever done anything like this.”
Apparently johns are very familiar with Rule #1.

If you’re going to pick up a hooker, at least ASK HER FOR HER NAME, and vice versa, hookers. I can’t tell you how many men have been tripped up in their prostitute story with a simple, “What’s her/his name?” It’s downright embarrassing when a man professes to be friends with a woman then stammers for several minutes trying to recall her first name.

It always upsets me when I see prostitutes selling blowjobs for only $20. Two large pizzas at Pizza Hut cost more than that. I just hope they at least charge extra for swallowing because if not, they’re getting ripped off. And if, God forbid, a john shoots cum in her hair or her eyes, she should charge him an extra $5 [and a large pizza from Pizza Hut] for pain and suffering.

Maybe I’m nuts, but wouldn’t it be embarrassing if you were an undercover hooker and nobody solicited you???
Seriously. Think about it. Your fellow officers would be back in the car waiting and waiting for you to get a nibble.
They’d see johns slowing down, looking you over, then driving on by. They’d probably even consider offering you pity sex. Gawd, the shame.

Although when I see some of the women that really do work the streets I’m amazed more of them don’t starve, which is why I sit on the couch yelling, “Hey! If SHE can be a prostitute, I can be a prostitute!” to the more homely prostitutes on the show. On a COPS from Vegas episode, the cop pulled a middle aged woman out of a truck. Apparently she’d been giving an older man a hummer. She had no bottom front teeth, and she was wearing black and white checked stretch pants that just screamed ‘I live in a trailer park!’
Cop: “How much do you make a night?”
Sad Looking Hooker: “$600-$700.”
Cop: “You make more than I do.”

They got a little creative with the prostitute stings in Tampa, Florida. Officer Tim Pasley dressed up as a clown and picked up hookers. If the ‘tutes had been anywhere near observant, they would have noticed that Coco the Clown’s phone number on the side of his van was 555-1212, which is usually directory assistance. ‘Course I guess they had more on their mind than getting the clown’s digits.

7. If you’re involved in a high speed chase with the police, and there are several police vehicles
following you, never give up. The cops will get tired and go away.

One man was running from the police in a high speed chase and he was driving on three tires and a rim. A rim.
As he was flying down the freeway, sparks were shooting in all different directions. What could he possibly have been thinking?!
There was no way the police could lose him. All they had to do was follow the shower of sparks.
 

In one episode a young kid was in a car chasing a guy in a truck, trying to run the man off the road. The kid thought the guy was fooling around with his girlfriend. When it all plays out, he finds out that the guy in the truck was really an off duty police officer. Talk about your shitty luck.

After a lengthy chase, the police dragged a guy off of a motorcycle and asked him
why he didn’t stop. He said, “Because my license was revoked.”

After a high speed chase:
Cop: “Why did you run?”
Suspect: “I have a couple tickets.”
Cop: ” ‘A couple tickets’?! Do you know how many lives you risked running from us like that? Are you insane?”

Cop (after chasing the suspect several miles at high speeds): “Why did you do that?”
Suspect: “Cuz the car is in my mother’s name and I don’t have a license.”
Cop: “Come on!”

Cop #1 to suspect: “What are you running for?”
Cop #2: “Cause he’s a dumb ass.”
Another excellent line.

Cop: “How come you didn’t pull over and stop for me?”
Driver: “Did I not?”
Yes, after he went over an embankment and ended up in a creek…

8. When a cop tells you to do something, ignore him. It’s only a suggestion.

Cop: “What do the red and blue lights mean?”
Suspect: “Pull over.”
Cop: “And what did you do?”
Suspect: “I continued to my house.”
 

Cop:”If you don’t come out, I’m sending in the dog.”
*Total silence*
Cop sends in the dog.
Two seconds later, “Owww! Owww! He bit me! Get that dog away from me!! He bit me!”
The surprising thing is he never saw it coming.

Cop: “When the police tell you you’re under arrest it’s against the law to resist.”
Dude (after he struggled with six police officers and called for his mommy): “I didn’t. They never did tell me. I didn’t know I was under arrest anyhow.”
Cop: “What did you think we were chasing you all over the neighborhood for?
Dude: “I didn’t know I was under arrest. ‘Freeze’ that’s all they were saying.”
Cop: “Why do you think we were chasing you all over the neighborhood? Cuz we got nothing better to do?”

9. History never repeats itself.

An Officer stopped a car with two black dudes in it and on the front floor was a large amount of marijuana wrapped like cigars.
Cop: “Where did you get all this marijuana?”
Black Dude: “It’s not mine. I found it in my driveway. It was just laying there.”
(Conveniently wrapped for distribution.)
Cop: “Why is it in your car?”
Black Dude: “I was going to bring it over to the station.”
Cop: “Why didn’t you call the station and have us pick it up?”
Black Dude: “I was going to bring it over.”
Cop: “Have you ever been arrested in the past?”
Black Dude: “Yeah.”
Cop: “For what?”
Black Dude: “Delivery of a controlled substance.”
I guess he was delivering it to the police station then too. Of all the shitty luck. To be arrested twice for doing the same good deed.

The police respond to a domestic violence call to find the husband battered.
Cop: “This situation can’t go on. You’ve been fighting for quite a while now.”
Husband: “Thirty years.”
Cop: “Maybe it can go on forever.”

The police respond to a call in which a neighbor is accusing another neighbor of stealing things from his car.
Suspect: ” “Hey, I have better things to do than steal stuff, and that’s the truth, Officer.”
(See how adding that little qualifier makes the lie so much more believable?)
Cop: “Have you ever been arrested?”
Suspect: “Yeah, but it was a long time a—like a year ago.”
Cop: “What were you arrested for?”
Suspect: “Burglary.”
Because, a year ago, he DIDN’T have anything better to do…

Cop: “You’re driving a vehicle that has switched plates, you need a screwdriver to turn it off and on, you don’t have any identification, what do you think I think about the car?”
Suspect: “You probably think it’s stolen but it’s not. I just got the car today and the guy I got it from said everything was legal. I have no reason to lie to you, Officer.”
Cop ( a few minutes later): “What else have you been arrested for?”
Suspect: “Auto theft and looting.”
The outcome? The car was stolen.

10. A G.E.D. is a terrible thing to waste.

Police stop a suspect accused of robbery.
Police: “What’s your name?”
Suspect: “John.”
Police: “What’s your last name, John?”
Suspect: “Johnson.”
Police: “John Johnson? How do you spell your last name, John?”
Suspect: “J-O-N-H-S-O-N.”
Word up, Dude. Next time pick a last name like “Ho” or “Cho.”
Police: “JONHSON?”
Suspect: “Yes.”
Police: “Now you’re telling me the truth? If I take you to your house, and ask your mother, she’s going to confirm that your name is John Jonhson, right?”
Suspect: “Yeah, you can take me there right now.”
They proceed to the man's dwelling.
Suspect’s Mom comes out of the trailer, takes one look at Suspect and yells, “Michael, what the hell is wrong with you?!”
Cop: “What’s your name?”
Suspect: “Holman.”
Cop: “How do you spell that?”
Suspect: “H-O-L-L…” puts head down
Cop: “Can’t remember how to spell your last name?”
Suspect: “Yeah I know how to spell it. I have a bad sore throat.”
Who knew having a bad sore throat affects your ability to spell?!
Later, Cop: “Why would you give me a different name? You’re not Todd Walker. You’re Todd T. Holman.
What does the “T” stand for?”
Suspect: “Todd.”
Cop: “So your name is Todd Todd Holman?”
It’s even sadder when they can’t think up a believable fake name…

A cop asked a subject, who had been driving while under the influence, how he’d feel if the pilot of a plane on which he was a passenger was high.
Cop: “You’re telling me you’d like to be a passenger on a big silver aluminum bullet flying through the air at 500 mph and you wouldn’t have a problem with your pilot being stoned?”
Subject: “If I had the training to do that [fly a plane], and someone was to ask me would you honestly feel comfortable flying these people stoned, I would say yes, because that’s the type of person I am.”
Yeah, the type who has no problem taking chances with other people’s lives, whether on the road or in the air.

Suspect has been arrested after purchasing drugs.
Cop: “Just tell me what happened.”
Suspect: “Somebody dropped me off to get something. That’s all.”
Cop: “What did they drop you off to get?”
Suspect: “I don’t wanna…you know…discriminate myself, man.”

Personally I think problems occur because cops make the suspects follow too many instructions.
What with the drugs and all, not many of them have long attention spans.
“Get out of the car! Face away from me! Put your hands above your head! Start walking backwards to the sound of my voice! Keep your hands in the air! Keep moving towards the sound of my voice! Stop! Drop to your knees! Put one ankle over the other! Lay down flat on the ground! Put your hands out to your sides!”
People on drugs have short attention spans, which is why they end up tackling most of them after repeating “Get out of the car!” fifteen times.

A woman reported having her car battery stolen by a man who then fled on foot. The officer who was looking for the suspect said, “All we gotta do is look for some fool carrying a heavy load running down the road.”

11. If an officer arrests you, for say, a shooting, pretend like you have no idea why he’s arresting you, even if you’re still holding the “smoking gun”.

A cop pulls a man over because his plates are expired and the car is stolen. He tells the man three times that he’s is driving without a license, has expired plates and the car is stolen. He starts to search the man and suddenly the guy bolts. When the cop is pulling him off the fence a few seconds later, the guy says, “What did I do wrong, Officer?” They cuff him and start to pat him down again. They ask him if he has any drugs. “No, sir, Officer, I don’t do drugs.” And just about that time, another officer, who is searching his car, finds crack and a crack pipe.
Drunk, who is at the police station, being booked. “I ain’t been arrested.”
Cop: “When they put the handcuffs on you and put you in the police car, that’s usually what it means.”

Cop: “That crack pipe in your pocket was found by that fence?”
Suspect: “Yeah.”
Cop: “So you just picked it up and put it in your pocket?”
Suspect: “I was saving it for you guys.”
Awww, that was sweet of him.

Cop (after arresting a seemingly baffled suspect): “You got lots of warrants. Lots of warrants.”
Suspect: “No seriously. What’s up, man?”
Cop: “We’ve been looking for you.”
Suspect: “How come?”
Cop: “You have a robbery warrant, a burgulary warrant, lots of warrants.”
Suspect: “Really?”

John (while being cuffed): “I don’t understand. I didn’t do anything.”
Cop: “You just solicited an undercover police officer.”
John: “Sorry?”

Cop, to suspect’s mother: “Does she have a dope problem?”
Mother: “Uh, no. She just got out of jail.”
Cop: “For what?”
Mother: “I think she had drugs on her.”

Cop: “You’re under arrest for assault and domestic violence, two counts. You have
the right to counsel. Do you understand?”
Suspect: “No, I don’t.”

Cop questioning a known prostitute: “Who is this man?” (indicating the driver)
Prostitute (without skipping a beat): “That’s my dad’s friend Bill.”
Dad must have forgotten to tell her “his friend Bill” was actually an undercover cop…

12. If you’re driving with your girlfriend and the cops stop you, you can count on her unfailing support.

Cop: “Why didn’t you stop?”
Male Suspect: “I don’t know.”
Female Passenger: “I told him to stop, Officer.”
Then to her boyfriend, “I said, “stop.” I don’t know why you didn’t stop. You should have stopped.”

Cop: “Is there anything in this vehicle I need to know about, Sir?”
Male Suspect: “No.”
Female Passenger, talking to another police officer on the other side of the car: “He has a gun in the car. He pushed it behind the front seat.”

Cop to another cop, talking about a female driver they arrested with a male suspect as passenger: “She kinda covers for him, but when the chips are down and she thinks she’s gonna go away, she’ll start telling you the truth. She doesn’t want to go to jail right now, so she’s spilling her guts about everything, the extension cord, thats what they were looking to go out and steal, what his true name was. All that good stuff.”

Cop to Female Suspect: “Is this your money?”
Female Suspect: “No, it’s his.”
Cop to Male Suspect: “Is this your money in her purse?”
Male Suspect: “I got my money in my wallet.”
Cop: “She says its yours.”
Male Suspect: “Well, it’s both of ours.”
Cop: “She said he got this money selling D*R*U*G*S. Drug money. We’ll just work with her. We can forget about him.”
I’ve noticed an interesting trend on COPS. If they arrest a man and a woman, generally they ignore the guy and question the chick first, especially if the chick starts crying. Maybe they’re being polite or maybe they know that chicks blab everything. The more upset we are, the quicker we spill everything we know. When it comes to saving our behinds, chicks will talk faster than an auctioneer on speed.

The people on COPS are just your average folk.

A husband and wife got into a fight and he knocked his wife’s false teeth out onto the roof. This happened when he slammed a piece of cheese into her mouth and her teeth came flying out. Best part is he was like 65 years old, a tad (!) overweight and he was sitting on the bed talking to the officers while wearing thong underwear and little else, unfortunately…for the officers, I mean.

An older man, obviously drunk, sheared a telephone pole in half, and kept driving towards home. He parked the car in the driveway and went inside as if nothing happened. When the cops arrived and he failed field sobriety tests, they arrested him.
As they led him towards the car, he said, “What about my house?”
The police officer replied, “Don’t worry. We’ll secure the house before we leave.”
The older man said, “OK because I have squirrel cooking on the stove.”

Cop: “What are you doing here?”
Suspect: “I’m looking for a prostitute.”
Cop: “Why are you looking for a prostitute?”
Suspect: “I’m lonely and horny.”
And waaaaay too candid, thank you.

The cops arrested a man for battering his roommate, which he denied. After more questioning,
the man said, “I didn’t hit him, but if I did, he deserved it.”

The cell phone of a man who is in the process of being arrested goes off, but the deputy has already confiscated it.
The suspect yells several times, “What’s the number [on his caller id]?”
1-900-jailbound

The cops are trying to bust a guy who is talking on a public phone. They are literally standing there waiting while he talks on the phone. At one point you hear him say, “The cops are here. I don’t know what they want, Mama.” Then the police officer says, “Let me talk to your Mama.” The suspect dropped the phone and took off running.

The cops arrested a man for driving without a license. He was wearing a D.A.R.E. (drug awareness is really effective) t shirt, and when they patted him down, his pockets were full of…oh, yeah, you guessed it….drugs. Apparently he was extremely “aware”.

One suspect was arrested while wearing a “Shit Happens” T-shirt. Yep, I’m sure the irony of that slogan sunk in when he was face down on the ground and there were five cops on top of him struggling to get the cuffs on.

Some of my favorite lines from COPS:

Drunk, after taking his pants off in a bar, “I need to go some place where people will accept me.”
Cop: “Jail. They’ll accept you there, believe me. You’ll fit right in.”

The police pulled a guy out of his car and his fly was open. The one cop said, “Why’s your fly open? Were ya getting’ busy?”

“Just give me my fucking ticket already so I can get the Hell out of here!”

Stripper, after trying to raise money to keep her boyfriend’s car from being towed, “I don’t have the money. Go sell your ass for it.”

Cop: “You’re under arrest.”
Suspect: “For what?”
Cop: “For being stupid.”
Ahhhh, the amount of arrests they could make if that was fact.....

The police respond to a domestic violence call
Cop: “How long have you been married?”
Wife: “Thirty years, and that’s thirty years too long.”

While trying to explain how things transpired, one woman said, “And that’s how it all perspired…”

Drunk, falling out of the police car, upon arriving at the police station, “I want another beer.”

A lady had a dead cat in a plastic bag in her living room and she tells the police she “forgot” to throw him in the trash.
When they offer to “take care of it,” she says, “I’ll put him in the freezer.”

A woman is on the hood of a car lifting up her skirt when a police officer arrives on the scene.
He says, “Put your pants on. I don’t want to see all that.”

The cops went to a woman’s house on a domestic disturbance call. She starts ranting about the guy. “I can never depend on him. He forgets everything. He never remembers our anniversary.” Blabhblah. She wants him gone. In the next breath she says, “What I wanted was to marry him and start a family, but he doesn’t want to.”

One of my favorite eps featured an elderly man who was arrested for soliciting an undercover cop for sex.
He wanted to know how long the process would take because he had to pick up his wife, who was waiting for him at WalMart.
Watch out for falling prices….and undercover cops.

Most Frightening Thing I’ve EVER Heard On COPS:

Two guys were drag racing and when the officer was writing out their citations, he said to the one, “How much do you weigh?”
Are you kidding me?! Isn’t it against the law to make a person tell how much they weigh?! Ok, FINE, but it SHOULD be!
If they ever ask me that, I’m gonna say, “I swear to God, Officer, and this is the truth. I weigh 110 pounds. Why would I lie to you?”
And I’m going to look really sincere when I lie to him, too.

The Unsung Heroes of COPS

You know who I feel sorry for on COPS? The camera men. Especially when the criminal high tails it
through back alleys, dark fields, and God forbid, the dreaded barbed wire. I don’t think anybody
should have to do that much running unless there’s food or sex or food and sex involved. If I was a camera person on COPS, all you’d hear out of me was a lot of panting and statements like, “this running is BULLSHIT!” and “Nitro pills! Who’s got the nitro pills?!”
It’s Never Going To Happen

After watching COPS, I have come to a sad realization. Mental issues, weight issues, age issues, lack of education issues and regardless of the fact that I hate to run unless someone is chasing me, being a cop is not in my future. The truth is I have very little patience when dealing with anyone who isn’t me.

On one episode, the cop asked a woman at least six times for her identification, and he didn’t slap her once. Oh, sure he was doing the “what part of this do you not understand?” thing, and yeah, he was speaking really slowly like she was an idiot, “Show…me….your…i-den-ti-fi-ca-tion,” but he didn’t slap her upside the head like I wanted to after the second request.

In another instance, State Trooper Stephen Murray pulled a man over for speeding. The driver proceeded to bawl the trooper out, yelling at him about the high cost of living and the high cost of his ticket, and how it was so unfair of the trooper to cite him. The entire time the trooper never flinched, never raised his voice, never got caught up in it. He remained calm.
Personally, I think the trooper is deaf. It’s the only way I can explain his calm.
In a fit of anger, the speeder ripped up the ticket and threw it out the window at the state trooper. A ballsey move.
And when I say “ballsey,” I mean “incredibly stupid.”
The trooper responded by saying, “Sir, if you don’t pick up this ticket, I’m going to cite you for littering.”
The guy got out of his truck and picked up the ticket, screaming the entire time, then got back in and slammed the door. The trooper then said, “You missed a piece,” and made him get back out of the truck all over again. Sure his revenge was sweet, but again, the trooper didn’t sucker punch the guy like I wanted to.

The One Thing I Wonder Most About COPS?
After the segment is taped, do the suspects ever turn to the cops
and say, “Can you tell me when this will air, Officer? I want to tell my family so they can watch. Hopefully, I’ll have made bail by then…”

All the funny, stupid and scary moments aside, my favorite thing to see on COPS is the officers and deputies holding babies. What can I say? Women are suckers for a good looking, strong men cooing at babies.

Somebody was complaining recently on the COPS forum that police officers shouldn’t high five each other after an arrest. If they’re willing to put their life on the line to eradicate the criminal elements in society, they can swap tongue in the middle of Main Street for all I care. It’s great to know that someone is willing to protect and serve total strangers in return for a crappy salary and a lot of ingratitude.
*****

“Everything I Know About Life, I Learned From Watching COPS” Copyright 2004 by Goddess