Monday, August 31, 2009

everybody knows his name, but he's just my jaywalker

The one big plus of the job that I have now is that I'm no longer required to drive through the city. Now when I say "city", we're not exactly talking Los Angeles. In fact, our "city" is so small that I expect Renee Zellwiger or Melissa Gilbert to come here some Christmas and save our lone factory. [Or in our case, the lone defense contractor.] At which point, Harry Connick Jr. will have sex with one or both of them and we'll be saved.

But it's a "city" to me and it has one thing that drives me nuts: idiot jaywalkers. I had to drive through the city this morning and I realized that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Why do they jaywalk? I'm not sure, but I think they're secretly are DYING to commit a really big crime. Evidently, they don't have the black soul of a career criminal, so they commit minor infractions, like jaywalking, double parking, littering and listening to Celine Dion songs.

This is how it usually plays out:

Jaywalkers, you're standing on the corner of a crosswalk, the light for the drivers is red and you see a flashing white hand. Whatever you do, DON'T WALK!! Pick your nose, examine the booger, shuffle your iPod playlist, look up at the sky and try to figure out the time by the positioning of the sun, but DO NOT WALK.

You're a jaywalker, for God's sake! How is it going to look if you suddenly start obeying the law?

The light for the cars turns green and you see a red flashing hand, this is the time for you to take action. As the cars begin to move forward, dart out in front of them, forcing the driver to trust the strength of their brakes and their blood pressure medication. Don't give them any indication at all that you're going to do this, just dart right out in front of them. Weeeee! It's more exciting that way!

Once you're in front of the car, pull a Helen Keller and don't let on that you know that the 'BIG DUMB JACKASS!!' the driver is referring to in their frenzied screaming is, in fact, you. And if you really want to send the drivers into a tirade, turn and give them 'The Wave' to indicate that allowing you to cross at that time was their idea.

Happy Jaywalking, ya PITA lawbreakers. If I never see you again, it will be too soon.

1 comment:

Tamale Chica said...

Here in Chicago we also have the "I think I'm Moses parting the red sea" type of Jaywalker. They'll just walk out into traffic, often not even at the crosswalks. Crosswalks??? What are crosswalks???